Ok I know this sounds crazy, but could this abortion bill package possibly be a cynical election ploy?

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Ah, summertime: let us all take a moment to reflect on the loveliness of this season — gardening, lemonade, sunshine, getting drunk at a public beach and skinny-dipping then not remembering it the next day (except that you were tagged doing it on Facebook), construction… there’s just so much to see and do here in Michigan this time of year!

Most of us proletarians prefer to begin our three month beer-bloated barbecue pork haze starting Memorial Day. If you are a Michigan Republican, however, there is one very important thing you must do before slathering some spf 50 on your hairy manback and catching some rays on a long-awaited vacay, and that thing is to make sure you’ve done some crazy amazeballs stunt with your base so that they will throw lots of cash at you plus a coveted endorsement to help guarantee your reelection the following November.

Hence we have this three ring circus of fun new abortion bills ramming their way through the House with the force of a well lubed trans-vaginal ultrasound device being shoved into your vagina unwillingly by the state. After just being introduced in April, a couple of bills bringing on new regulations were passed yesterday, and today the House may vote on the biggest bill in the pack — HB 5711.

Among other things, this bill helps “protect” physically and emotionally fragile pregnant ladies (who we all know can get pretty hysterical from time to time) from exercising her constitutional right under the 14th amendment to not have a rape or incest baby after 20 weeks of being violated sexually by some strange male or male family member. Also, there isn’t an exception for the health of the mother or if there’s some sort of fetal anomaly — because, how important is any of that really when there’s a giant sack of donor cash standing between you and your precious Right-To-Life report card voting record thingy. Alas, what is the constitution but a series of smart sounding words thrown together by a bunch of wigs some 200 years ago? The new strategy is to not even bother with what those old farts in robes decided long ago, but just blow it all up from the inside (sometimes literally) with a systematic dismantling of access.

But anyways, if I think about this anymore I will probably puke at the thought that my body is being pimped out for election season — and I don’t even get to keep any of the cash! Total bullshit. Gotta keep the pimp hand strong, I guess.

If you don’t like the idea that your body is being pimped by Republicans either, you can join those feminazis over at Planned Parenthood this morning at 10 a.m. at the Capitol Building to protest this state-wide shit-bomb of bass-ackwards legislation.






About Sally Subterfuge 15 Articles
Sally Subterfuge is a low-down, surly satirist and Sandernista and one-time news reporter who leans left in the reddest county in Michigan. She is still waiting on her George Soros money. Yo, send me a Tweet: https://twitter.com/SubterfugeSally