GOD SAVE (us from) THE QUEENS

It’s become clear that our community is in dire need of saving from the likes of drag queens and bingo.

Drag Queen Bingo — an event to benefit the Pride Alliance of Livingston and the Livingston County Diversity Council (which sold out in record time, by the way) — is set to take place 9:30-11:30 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 14, during the Mini Howell Melon Fest in Howell’s historic downtown.

We hadn’t thought about how damaging the 21-and-up event might be for our children, even though they aren’t old enough to attend, and ID is required to get in. The arguments against Drag Queen Bingo convinced us: We need saving, dear readers.

Since we hadn’t a clue how to do that, we brought together a group of Livingston County’s greatest minds (which didn’t include us until after a lot of wailing and tantrumming on our part convinced these great minds to let us participate); together we developed the following proposal:

How to save us (and the children) in 8 easy steps

1. First, we plead with the Historic Howell Theater to show only Disney movies that feature straight, white, male characters during any hours children are awake and about. You can never tell when a child might look up from their ice cream cone and find themselves in the direct line of a thought the great minds deem to be unsuitable.

2. Then we get the Historic Howell Theater to never, ever screen “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” again. We don’t care that people absolutely love, love, love attending the often-raucous showings; the film is full of cross dressing, raunchy humor, and infectious music.

3. Concerts at the Courthouse must agree to never book bands with names that allude to the consumption of alcohol and/or hallucinogenics, and playlists for appropriately named acts must be submitted to our group for approval; any songs deemed unsuitable must be scrubbed, with an eye to those that include lyrics about any kind of love or touching or kissing outside the bonds of traditional marriage.

4. Comedy shows and storytelling events should cease immediately. We’ve been to plenty of these ourselves — we even participated in a few — and we can testify that raunchy jokes do surface from time to time. Thanks to social media, we are now acutely aware of how super damaging these jokes can be — especially for people who aren’t even in attendance — and we apologize if at any of these events we told or laughed at a joke that could be deemed raunchy. We hope we can count on your understanding and forgiveness.

5. All downtown establishments must cease serving alcohol until all children are home, safely tucked into their beds, with, of course, adequate parental supervision. Since some on social media feel 9:30 p.m. is too early for adult entertainment to begin, we will crowdsource a time people feel is appropriate, like 10 p.m., perhaps? Maybe midnight to 2 a.m.?

6. The names of alcoholic mixed drinks served in Howell must change to non-sexual identifiers immediately; perhaps the easiest way to achieve this is to simply call them by their ingredients. No more Screwdrivers, which will henceforth be known simply and accurately as vodka and orange juice.

Drinks slated for emergency re-naming include Sex on the Beach, and Harvey Wallbanger. (And, FYI, there are a whole host of cocktails with dirty names that we learned about when we Googled “cocktails with dirty names,” and we have to warn you that we blushed when we read the list, which is really, really, really raunchy. Consider yourself warned, and if you want to read them for yourself, you’ll have to click here.)

7. As the definitive source of knowledge in the area, the Howell Carnegie District Library has to change immediately. First, its hours of operation will need to match those set by the crowdsourcing mentioned above. Secondly, it must only allow in those over 21. Libraries contain information — lots and lots of factual, historical, and scientific information — and books (some of which touch on sexual issues), as well as writings from a wide variety of people from a wide variety of cultures with a wide breadth of experiences.

Since it’s been proven that reading a wide variety of materials leads to all sorts of critical thinking, we must fear what the future will look like if our children are allowed to read without proper and constant supervision; Drag Queen Bingo, dear reader, could be just the tip of the iceberg.

8. Anybody sporting hair that isn’t the color they were born with should not be allowed into the downtown area without covering their heads. (Our committee especially objects to the dayglo shades of blue, green and purple.) And if the people with the colorful hair are students, they can’t play any school sports, either.

Now the county’s greatest minds are moving onto proposing guidelines for Fowlerville’s Easy Rider Rodeo, the event where raunchy hangs its hat and decency dares not enter. (If you’ve never been, you can read everything you need to know about the Easy Rider Rodeo by clicking here.)

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