I don’t like to brag, mind you, but I feel compelled to tell you a story that illustrates why I’m the greatest dad in the whole entire world.
My daughter Amelia turned 13 on Friday (yes, 13!), and to usher in her teenage years, she decided that she wanted to go to Cedar Point.
Cedar Point, of course, is the mammoth amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio, that bills itself as “America’s Roller Coast” and “The Place Where You’re Most Likely To Throw Up All Over Your Shoes.”
We had managed to get through the first 12 years and 364 days of Amelia’s life without ever setting foot in Cedar Point. We weren’t avoiding it on purpose – it just sort of worked out that we had never taken her there before.
She had been to plenty of amusement parks in her life – SeaWorld, Disney World, Geauga Lake – but never Cedar Point.
Until last Friday. My wife and I took Amelia and her friend Karly, along with our 6-year-old Lottie Beth and her 7-year-old cousin Molli.
The last time I had been to Cedar Point was probably 1995 or so, well before many of their mammoth new roller-coasters had been built. I had heard about all these great new coasters they had, many of which weren’t so new anymore.
As it turned out, we picked the right day to visit Cedar Point. I have no idea WHY, but the lines were almost non-existent. It was a nice day weather-wise – a Friday at the end of the summer – so you would think that Cedar Point would have been fairly crowded. For whatever reason, though, it wasn’t. On most of the rides, even the roller-coasters, you could just walk right on. The longest line we saw all day was 45 minutes; on most days at Cedar Point, the SHORTEST line would be 45 minutes.
So let that be a lesson to you: If you want to visit Cedar Point, pick a Friday in late August. You’re welcome.
In any case, my plan heading into the day was that Amelia and Karly would go off and ride all the big coasters, while Kathy and I took the little ones around to the milder rides.
That was my plan. My plan did not include any actual roller-coaster riding myself, but as I quickly found out, my plan was a bad one.
As soon as we walked into the park, Karly got a look at some of the huge rides and decided right then and there that she was “not a roller-coaster person.”
Like Amelia, Karly had never been to Cedar Point before, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to react to all the roller-coasters. When she got a look at them, she decided she wasn’t all that keen on the idea.
This was not good news for Amelia. And this was REALLY not good news for me.
The reason, of course, is that Amelia needed someone to ride the coasters with. And because it was her birthday and I wanted her to have a good time, I couldn’t very well let her go around all day just riding the kiddie rides.
“Come on, Dad,” she pleaded. “Will YOU ride them with me?”
Um … do I have to?
“Yes,” my wife decided. “You have to.”
Of course. I had to.
The one roller-coaster she most wanted to ride was something called the “Top Thrill Dragster.” If you’ve been to Cedar Point and you’ve actually SEEN the Top Thrill Dragster, at this point, you’re laughing pretty hard. Because you know that this particular ride is not meant for 50-year-old men.
Up until last year, the Top Thrill Dragster held the distinction of being the tallest and fastest roller-coaster in the world. Not the tallest and fastest roller-coaster in Ohio. Oh, no. Not the tallest and fastest and roller-coaster in the country. The tallest and fastest roller-coaster in the world.
From start to finish, the ride only lasts 10 seconds. You take off down a straightaway, quickly – and I mean quickly – reaching a top speed of 120 mph. You head straight up into the air about 400 feet as the track twists and turns. Then you head back down, once again twisting and turning and going about 120 mph until you come to a stop.
The Top Thrill Dragster was built in 2003, but the first time I had ever seen it was last Friday. And my first reaction was probably the same first reaction that everyone has: “You have GOT to be kidding me!”
And yet, this was the roller-coaster that my 13-year-old daughter decided she needed to ride on her birthday. This was the roller-coaster she decided that I needed to ride with her.
And so, I did.
On most days at Cedar Point, from what I hear, the line for the Top Thrill Dragster is about two hours. On this day, it was only about 40 minutes. So after waiting in line for 40 minutes – and reminding my daughter the entire time that I’m the greatest dad in the world for doing this – there I was, strapped into the Top Thrill Dragster, about the endure the most terrifying 10 seconds of my life.
I can’t describe what the ride feels like. I really can’t. I’ve been on many a roller-coaster in my time, and it’s unlike any ride I’ve ever been on. It’s so fast and so exciting and so mind-numbingly terrifying that it really defies description.
Was it fun? Well, it depends on what your description of the word “fun” is. If your description of the word “fun” includes something about being so scared out of your gourd that you can’t even breathe, then yes. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. It was 10 pounds of fun in a five-pound bag.
But let me say this: The Top Thrill Dragster was most certainly NOT designed for someone who just got his AARP card. A 13-year-old girl? Yes. A 50-year-old man? No.
Still, to make my little girl happy on her 13th birthday, I did what I needed to do. I rode the Top Thrill Dragster, and I lived to tell the tale. And for that … yes, I am the greatest dad in the whole entire world.
When we got off the ride, Amelia thanked me profusely for risking my life on her behalf. And then she said, “Let’s ride it AGAIN!”
I told her that I might be a great dad, but I’m not THAT great. I’m going over to the merry-go-round…
