Years ago, in days before cell phones, back when Livingston County had not one, but two weekly newspapers, I was the cops reporter. One of my beats was the Michigan State Police Post in Brighton, at the time the busiest post in Michigan.
Since the paper was a weekly back then, I’d show up at the post on Monday mornings to go through log books and pull reports that I used to mainly fill the police blotter. Sometimes, I’d have a big crime that I’d also follow through the court system. Mostly, though, it was usually a lot of car accidents and burglaries.
After a while on the beat, I got to know some of the troopers, and those relationships often translated into my learning about the more interesting stories without having to dig through the logs.
One Monday the troopers on duty were waiting for me, anticipating my reaction to the report they were about to hand me. It was a wild and weird report about a high-speed, gymnastical indecent exposure incident, which ended up being one of the paper’s top cop stories of the year.
Allow me to explain …
A woman was driving home from work on I-96 when the beeping of a truck horn in the next lane made her glance over. What did she see but a man waving his penis at her.
Now, keep in mind that the man had one hand on the steering wheel and the other on his penis.
The woman had the presence of mind to slow down and get the license plate number of the truck, which turned out to be a work vehicle. She pulled off the freeway and called the police.
Since she had the license plate number, it didn’t take much sleuthing to track down the driver, who voluntarily turned himself into police for questioning.
His explanation was simple — if unbelievable:
The man told the troopers that he installed hot tubs outdoors for a living. That day, his hands were feeling super-chapped. So, while driving on I-96, he decided to soothe his super-chapped hands with some moisturizer. Since he was driving, though, he squeezed out too much, and not knowing what to do with the excess, he decided to unzip his pants and apply it to his penis.
Keep in mind that the man was driving a work truck along I-96 while this was going on.
Then, as he was wiping the excess moisturizer onto his penis, he decided he also needed something from his wallet. So, while driving along I-96, with one hand moisturizing his penis, he arched his back and raised up his bottom to reach into his back pocket with the other hand.
That’s when the man said he accidentally hit the horn, causing the woman to look over to see him moisturizing his penis.
To this day, I still wonder how the dude steered the truck with one hand reaching into his back pocket, and the other hand on his penis. And I’ll take bets on how he managed to beep his horn.
Oh, the imagination runs wild. And so many questions arise:
• How did he not crash his vehicle?
• Who in their right mind would drive a vehicle while masturbating, at 70 mph on the freeway no less?
• How the heck did this guy come up with this explanation?
• And how did the troopers questioning him keep a straight face?
I laugh every time I think about this story all these years later. I wrote a piece about it on this site, as well as for the inaugural “Mommologues” event, and I sometimes tell the story at parties because it’s just so unbelievable. (I must share, however, that there are those among us who think I tell it just so I can use the word “penis” over and over again.)
But that story isn’t so far-fetched, and it has a less gruesome ending than this, published today by The Smoking Gun. The headline says it all: Cops: Pantsless Motorist Killed In Crash Was Masturbating While Watching Porn Flick On His Phone.
