Hoping to fine tune the county’s stellar reputation for tolerance, two legislators — State Sen. Lana Theis and state Rep. Ann Bollin — have strongly defended the right for area students to not be exposed to embarrassing textbooks about slavery, racism, and discrimination in America. To their credit, they have devised a much more fitting and appropriate curriculum.
Here is the final exam they recommend for high school history students. It’s a tricky test. And, remember, check all answers that might be correct for each question.
1. What is the best book to use in history classes to explain race relations in America?
_____ Genesis
_____ Leviticus
_____ Revelations
_____ Gone With the Wind
2. Why have there never been many Black people living in Livingston County?
_____ We don’t have many prisons here.
_____ Maybe they didn’t like Howell melons.
_____ Don’t ask me; ask Robert Miles
_____ We don’t even know if that’s true because we don’t see race.
3. What’s the reason that in 235 years, there have only been three Black people on the United States Supreme Court?
_____ These things go in trends. It will even out any century now.
_____ Those people chose the basketball court over the court of law.
_____ This statistic is fake news.
_____ That’s two more than there should have been.
4. Between 1870 and 1950, at least 6,000 Black people were lynched in the South. How did this happen and who was responsible?
_____ Antifa
_____ Communists
_____ Trans women
_____ Benghazi
5. What was the significance of the Supreme Court decision in Plessy v. Ferguson?
_____ They got the “separate” part right but they were a little fuzzy on the “equal” part.
_____ Plessy is kind of a funny sounding name.
_____ If Blacks didn’t like this decision, they should have gotten their own Supreme Court.
_____ Boys should not be able to use the same bathroom as girls.
6. What was the primary cause for the Civil War in the United States?
_____ Some people insisted on wearing white after Labor Day.
_____ It was an economic strategy to incentivize the construction of statues.
_____ Public education started spreading dangerous stories about the wording of the Declaration of Independence.
_____ There were many “fine people” on both sides.
7. What was the Middle Passage?
_____ A cruise line
_____ A method of immigration
_____ The book before The Two Towers.
_____ The part of the Constitution that explained that slavery was God’s will.
8. What president has done the most to help Black people in America?
_____ Donald Trump
_____ Millard Fillmore
_____ Clarence Thomas
_____ Anderson Cooper
9. What was Abraham Lincoln’s greatest accomplishment?
_____ He wrote many jokes later used by Ronald Reagan.
_____ He invented both the penny and the five dollar bill.
_____ He donated his collection of Lincoln Logs to the Smithsonian,
_____ His assassination by Antifa paved the way for the presidency of Andrew Johnson.
10. What’s the most important lesson that white students can learn about race in America?
_____ They never owned any slaves.
_____ All that happened a long time ago.
_____ Do you have to bring race into everything?
_____ All of the above
Bonus Question: What happened in 1619?
Answer: If you know, you flunk the class.
