Tesla Corp. will read all of Joe Hune’s sexy mails to his beloved monied auto dealer lobbyists; Kid Rock protesters are nothing but buzzkills for aging badasses

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Greetings from the Subterfuge family underground bunker! You will never find the entrance once the imminent nuclear holocaust happens because it is buried in a pasture somewhere beneath four feet of cow dung as an extra deterrent. I happen to have an old survivalist friend  who hooked me up. Yep, even us libs are getting in on the survival game now, because, well – obviously.

Elon Musk is about to find out exactly how naughty.

Today’s politics makes predictable bedfellows and Weird Elon Musk wants a peek under the sheets

The epic federal court battle between the state of Michigan and Tesla motors is destined to be compared to the late 19th century War of the Currents except instead of a face-off between two brilliant innovators — Nikola Tesla  vs. Thomas Edison —  we have modern day genius Elon Musk vs. some dumb Michigan legislators who have contributed nothing worthwhile to society unless you count camel husbandry and collecting huge amounts of special interest money at the expense of the public good as filling some sort of legitimate need in this state.

In contrast, exactly how smart is Elon Musk? Well, to give you just one vivid and relevant example, while we are all struggling in our daily commute to not be killed by falling expressway concrete from crumbling bridges that people like Sen. Joe Hune (R-Gregory) and Rep. Jason “We Don’t Take Too Kindly” Sheppard (R-Lambertville) have failed to adequately address, Musk is saying to hell with roads altogether and is instead developing his very own underground Hyperloop. This is probably be how everyone will travel in the year 2099 (if we don’t all blow each other up beforehand) because it is eco-friendly and tops out at over 700 mph. And we aren’t even talking about his plans to colonize Mars once all the stupid people have destroyed Earth in a Mike Judge movie come to life.  In fact, he is so smart some people believe there’s no way he’s even from this planet.

But it’s one thing to develop your own never-before-witnessed, eco-friendly, underground, super-fast transportation tube in those downtime moments when you aren’t working on a interplanetary space colony and a practical and affordable clean energy car, etc., and another thing altogether to outwit a judge with an ironclad defense of your super-secret special interest communiques — that requires a different kind of smarts. These smarts are also not possessed by Hune or Sheppard. That is because US Magistrate Judge Ellen Carmody does not care for your argument of special privilege.  Ok then — glad that’s settled!

Last month Carmody ruled Hune and Sheppard must hand over to Tesla all the sappy, kissy-face love mails that were exchanged between them and the Michigan Automobile Dealers Association from around the time Hune rammed through 11th hour legislation banning Tesla’s direct sales model in 2014. This ban almost certainly had everything to do with protecting the consumer from those at Tesla who would seek to desecrate the cherished bond between them and their high-pressure sales person. On the other hand, it almost certainly had nothing to do with pleasing the missus — Mrs. Hune to be exact. She’s a registered lobbyist for a company that represents the Michigan Automobile Dealers Association — how strange a coinkidink is that? It probably also had nothing to do with the fact that the MADA throws money at Hune. Is this what so-called conservatives mean when they talk about free market principles? Just asking!

Sadly, we are not allowed to read these dirty messages because Carmody is a kind of a party pooper and doing away with government transparency is #PureMichigan.

Moments in Heroism: Kid Rock ushered in Detroit’s post-racial society when he quietly stopped flying the Confederate Flag

Every social justice movement has its watershed moment: The Selma Bridge, Stonewall – you get the picture. In Detroit, racism ended when Kid Rock quietly stopped flying the Confederate flag at his concerts – and by quietly I mean never actually coming out and saying anything about it. That’s probably because whitesplaining why you were just tryin’ to be a cool rockstar when you were flying a treasonous symbol of black enslavement is awkward when your son is black.  It’s cool though – having a black girlfriend and making a kid with her cancels out all racism, just ask Stromm Thurmond (Oh wait, he’s dead.)

Anyway, it doesn’t matter – everyone who lives outside of Michigan has moved on. Yeah, ‘Early Mornin’ Stoned Pimp’ was a decent jam, but that was in 1996 and Joe C. has been dead 17 years. Now Kid Rock is the last great white hope for anxious aging suburbanites who fancy themselves as badass, American Badass to be exact.  Kiddo, your mom doesn’t pull out those tight jeans and push up bra for just any occasion – hell, no. Nothing makes Republican Dad feel more like he’s 23 again then when he can slam a cold one and shout, “Something, something ‘THE D!'” — especially when ‘THE D’ is the one who coughed up the tax perks to the arena so he could get buzzed and grab mom’s ass like he did before you were born. Everything having to do with “THE D” is badass, except, you know — actual people who live in ‘The D’ and who don’t care for Kid Rock. Those people are just probably violent brown hooligans, if you believe internet comments. There is no room for protest in today’s aging dad rock scene.

Yet even Kid Rock realizes nobody wants to see a middle age white guy struggle to spin a turntable (it happened, I was there), so this savvy performer turned to Ted Nugent for an image overhaul (???)  Hey, everyone needs a mentor, I suppose. Dad fans really love Kid now cuz he brings their rage boners back with Nugent-esque proclamations like “F*ck Colin Kaepernick!” and then saying “F*ck this, and f*ck that” about all sorts of things that white people don’t like. To his credit though, he did stand up at an official concert podium (because nothing says rock and roll like a podium) and said “stay the f*ck away” Nazis and KKK which in some Republican circles today is downright revolutionary.

But don’t ask Christopher Illitch about any of this— he can’t control what ‘burb rocker’s do when they make ‘burb rock, he just owns the place. And besides — literally nobody else wants to be the opening act for for this joint anyway. What do you think this is, Music City?

 

About Sally Subterfuge 16 Articles

Sally Subterfuge is a low-down, surly satirist and Sandernista and one-time news reporter who leans left in the reddest county in Michigan. She is still waiting on her George Soros money. Yo, send me a Tweet: https://twitter.com/SubterfugeSally

2 Comments

  1. You sir are what my grandpappy would call “a scholar and a gentleman.” It’s ok – everyone is wrong from time to time (except me.)

  2. Sally….I previously suggested the bottle you display in your photo might be a problem. Mea culpa…keep drinking. Thoroughly enjoyed these two articles. You are funny and insightful in my humble opinion.

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