Nǐ hǎo, fellow liberal commie comrades — or shall we say ‘你好’? That is how the Communist Chinese write ‘Sup?’ in their Communist Alphabet, which is only suitable for tattooing on your man-tanly firm biceps — for the laydeez, of course — or for writing Communist manifestos that one day all of us will be required by our Chinese overlords to read, on Chinese-assembled iPads that they all made us buy at gunpoint with our Yuans. RIP, Steve Jobs. (Too soon?)
ANY-wayz … Yes, your dearly-beloved Voltaire-ess of Livingston County, if you will, has returned for a brief written engagement here, in this newfangled blog site, which up until this very moment has enjoyed a serious ratcheting up of the pageviewz since its successful launch. Haha — welp, that streak will probably be over now! So sorry. Still, it’s good to be back.
Of course, the main reason I’m back is because the Tea Party Express has rounded upon us once again, like the sun — if the sun only came out every four years, during election season, and with the sole financial backing of Dick Armey and the Koch Bros. (Which of course will happen, eventually!) The other reason I’m back is because I felt like shooting some fish in a barrel, and I’m all outta fish.
The Livingston Daily reports on all the fun details of this rally for Real ‘Merica which I had to miss because I was too busy working in Communist Chinese-y Ann Arbor, where there are actual jobs to be had. Those Comrades must be doing something right! Now let us all take a brief moment to make a joke about this other town where people are actually employed and living comfortably for the most part, where they don’t sit around all unemployed on a weekday bitterly holding down the courthouse lawn as they soak up entitlements while simultaneously whining about socialism.
Take it away, Very Important Radio Personality uh… Thayrone X? (He’s totally “Coolarious” by the way, in case you hadn’t heard.)
“Thayrone X said a University of Michigan Board of Regents candidate in attendance could recommend Chinese restaurants. The joke was a slam on Ann Arbor, which is widely perceived as liberal and which some conservatives have joked is communist.”
BOO-YA, Ann Arbor! You just got served! Chinese restaurants…. just imagine all the Communisms going on in there, with their funny zodiac place-mats and plastic Buddha fountains. Thank you, Tea Party Express, for coming to our town from afar to explain to us how the people we just formerly thought were nice, long-standing business owners in this community are actually raging Pinkos with their $5 almond chicken lunch specials (so tasty!) and delicious egg rolls. Some people call this racism, but I call it dropping some stone cold knowledge on us. Besides, it’s not racism because a black person was there.
The best, most fun part about the whole shindig, I imagine, was when people were permitted to take a fake poop on Sen. Harry Reid using this ingenious toilet device I have officially named The TeaParty Express Shit-O-Matic 3000, which is sure to be in every home in America with some various cardboard cutout of the politician of your choice beneath it by November of this year:
The Livingston Daily explains how this sophisticated device operates:
“Visitors had the opportunity to “dunk” an image of U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., by throwing rolled-up pairs of socks into a [sic] nose on a cardboard replica of U.S. Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Lansing.
Successful throws caused a mounted toilet to flush, dousing the cardboard cutout of Reid below.”
Basically, this is what passes for acceptable political discourse in our culture these days — the suggestion that you, too, can express your political opinion by squeezing a hot turd out of your anus into a toilet and onto Harry Reid — because poop jokes, people, amiright?
I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait until 2016. Maybe it will feature Hillary Clinton and a glass table. We can only hope.