Mike Bishop catches the vapors over legitimate evils of gun violence, fans self with NRA stacks while Sally does the depressing math

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Rep. Mike Bishop (R-8th Dist) — the less engaging, not-a-literal-puppet version Mike Bishop but rather more a metaphorical kind of puppet, that is — took to Facebook Monday afternoon in the aftermath of the worst, most bloody mass shooting event in modern US history to remind us that “now is not the time” to talk about the politics of gun violence.

Bishop would only like us to talk with him about gun violence politics (also known as “policy” or “literally that thing we elected him to do to help solve problems”) precisely never, and especially never on a day where there is a mass shooting. This is because respecting victims is all about giving emotionally affected politicians a shield to hide behind to deflect their egregious lack of consideration for public safety for political gain, and not about thinking of ways we might prevent future suffering of people being killed. This might be a problem though, because there are only 365 days in a year and so far we have had 273 mass shootings in 2017.

Assuming all mass shooting events are equally tragic (because they are), if every time one occurs we need to do what Daddy Bishop says and stop asking about what we should be doing to help put an end to this crazy shit, and instead let our politicians be our pastors, praying with them for some sort of solution that doesn’t involve them giving up their precious NRA cash — then when the heck exactly are we supposed to be having this conversation? I’m certainly no numbers whiz, but assuming most of those shootings were once-a-day events, we’ve got about 90 days left in 2017 to put our adult pants on and have a real policy discussion.

Oh, whoops! I must have gotten so buzzed I forgot what country I was living in for a second. Forget I said it. This is one serious bottle of red! No more internet wine clubs for Sally. It’s been a hard day.

Anywho — speaking of numbers and campaign cash, did you know the NRA’s contribution to Bishop’s campaign nearly doubled from $1,000 to $2,000 between 2014 and 2016? Gun nuts are happy about it though because of course all that sweet money flowing into Republican coffers certainly paid off in the form of decreased gun violence onaccouna all the self-deputized sheriffs we had walking around keepin’ the peace. (Actually the opposite happened but whatever #FakeNews.)

But let’s break down this story problem from Hell in a real way, shall we, because fiscally responsible Republicans love nothing more than tracking how money is spent. So far in 2017, there have been — as of today at least — 11,665 victims of a mass shooting in 2017, the year after Bishop accepted the $2,000. So with that we can figure that per every man, woman and child who has paid for gun violence with their lives, Mike Bishop received $5.83 from the NRA. Talk about a steal! Wayne LaPierre is definitely getting his money’s worth out of this guy, and he’s not even in LaPierre’s gold club — gotta live south of the Mason Dixon for that kinda cash.

You can take a look here to see what the NRA is getting from Bishop for that ever-rising body count that costs them less per victim than the price of your venti Starbucks latte you just can’t do without every morning, including him being an original co-sponsor of Michigan’s Concealed Carry law, and a complete opposition to just about any sensible legislation that tries to make public safety a consideration when it comes to the availability of powerful semi-automatic weapons. I don’t call that blood money though — that’s just mean and way too far! Also, because you have to actually give a damn whether or not blood is spilled in order to call something blood money. Even Judas had a conscience. Let’s just call it “Hey, I’m Just A Schmuck Trying to Get Re-elected Money.” Yeah, that sounds a lot better,

Meanwhile, the 11,665 victims of gun violence of paid a much higher price than that five bucks and change for those policies — and you’d think being a lucky bastard who lived through a mass shooting himself, Bishop might appreciate that a little. But I guess today isn’t the day we’re supposed to talk about that.


About Sally Subterfuge 16 Articles

Sally Subterfuge is a low-down, surly satirist and Sandernista and one-time news reporter who leans left in the reddest county in Michigan. She is still waiting on her George Soros money. Yo, send me a Tweet: https://twitter.com/SubterfugeSally

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