Michigan House helps delicate ladies ease burden of having rights by taking away rights, harshes on innocent tadpoles

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Happy Tuesday, Livingston County! Today is a very important day — did you know? It’s true! That’s because today is the day the Michigan House of Representatives has decided to vote swiftly to enact some legislation that will give some help to the ladies.

“Shut the front door!” You are probably saying. “So will this perhaps finally be the year I won’t be earning  just sixty seven cents for every dollar my male co-workers make, you know, because I’m a Uterus Owning Person? Equal pay for everyone! Yay!”

Aw! That is totes adorbs of you to think that, ladies. Really, it is.  But, no. It is not that at all. Instead, the Michigan House of Representatives has decided to push through a series of bills designed to protect YOU from yourself, when yourself decides to go ahead exercise your constitutional rights. Silly ladies! Rights — who needs ’em? They’re like equal pay — a nuisance! Just ask Pete Hoekstra. We should just go back to Pinteresting our dream wedding pics or watching marathons of that show on TLC about the sister wives and call it an afternoon.

Here is an extremely informative video of the House Health Policy Committee getting together last week to tell us ladies (very delicately) how they will step in and put a stop to this perfectly legal and constitutionally protected medical procedure, before we hurt ourselves by actually getting one if we care to.

Among the things they will be protecting us from will be the ability after 20 weeks to opt out of having a rape baby, or one that your sibling or other blood relative gave you because they impregnated you against your will. Sounds fun! Don’t want to have a rape baby? Well girls, maybe you shouldn’t have went and got yourself raped. Oh yeah, the other thing they will be protecting you from is the option to terminate a pregnancy if your baby is born without a brain or spine. Hey — no worries! If your baby lacks a brain or spine, there is still plenty chance it could grow up to be a Michigan legislator. Huzzah!

In a clearly unprecedented move of speediness, the committee strapped a jetpack on this thing and blew it through session in less than 90 mins last week. Committee chair Gail Haines (R-Waterford) was all wanting to stick a fork in it and call it done 10 mins early (dismantling the constitution is hard work, y’all), but some annoying Uterus Owning Persons, including Planned Parenthood and a lady who had had quadruplets, who just wanted to keep it real, were all “Um… can we talk too?”

And Haines was all:

*SIGH*

“No.”

They did, however, give Tea Bagger Rep. Paul Opsommer (R-DeWitt) several minutes to have an angry sad over the testimony of one science-y person who testified using science language.

“There is no evidence to support the assertion that human personhood begins at conception or even in the first trimester, until the unborn child loses its prehensile tail and stops representing a tadpole more than a human and displays independent mental capacity, it is merely a potential human being,” said Joe Liebman.

“To listen to you tell me he’s no better than a tadpole… is the most uncompassionate testimony and the most gross testimony I have heard in my five-and-a-half years here,” said Opsommer into a wet tissue. “I reject everything you say here and am extraordinarily upset.”

Opsommer does not care for your tadpole references, sir! Besides, his grandson is 4 years old and goes to Tiger Games and how would a tadpole even enjoy a Tiger game? Clearly, it would not because it is probably too busy swimming around in pond scum trying not to get eaten to pay attention to the Tigers clinch against the Reds. Next argument! Haha, just kidding!  The talking thing was really just a formality here.

So there you have it, more of the Republican majority and their hands-off approach to government. They are scheduled to vote on this package of bills sometime this afternoon, and I’m sure that session will include several minutes of furrowed brows and heavily weighted decision-making before it is wrapped up in a nice pink bow and shipped off the the Senate where it will only be a matter of time before Michigan becomes the new Alabama. Who doesn’t want that?

About Sally Subterfuge 16 Articles

Sally Subterfuge is a low-down, surly satirist and Sandernista and one-time news reporter who leans left in the reddest county in Michigan. She is still waiting on her George Soros money. Yo, send me a Tweet: https://twitter.com/SubterfugeSally