In life, there are very rare moments when you will encounter delicious free food. Then there are not so rare moments when you will be smacked repeatedly with morally atrocious political opinions born of the kind of fear of the unexpected commonly observed in herd animals, like your average sheep, lets say.
THEN there are these special moments that combine the fear and loathing of the [insert group here] WITH the free food and that is called a President Trump We’ve Got Your Back Rally and we just had one, frens! How exciting and not at all ill-timed! Did any of you get your free food? Was it worth your soul?? Ok, good. Be sure to leave a positive Yelp review.
If you are one of those lovely people who went to this dumb rally, you can just quit reading right here and now because we’re done here. Seriously, just…BYE, OK? I’m going to speak to the grownups in the room for a second, so just run along back to your pasture and go think of some other terrible way you can take a giant sheeple poop on the good folks of our county in order to spread the message that Trump is going to MAGA because NO MORE OBUMMERCARE! Oh…. wait. [frowny face]
So, grownups — how disgusted are we in this moment? Very freaking disgusted, that’s what. It turns out that in many ways Charlottesville, Va., has a lot in common with the city of Howell: both of us are struggling to shake off an ugly racist past by making our things nice and telling people they are welcome here no matter what they look like. Charlottesville did what we did — they had farmers markets and places to get delicious brunch with bottomless mimosas for $1 each (hi, Diamond’s!) and they had festivals and just made things very chill for everyone.
And then we all stood by in horror last week as something reeeeeallly shitty happened to our friends south of the Mason-Dixon, when a very gross contingent of right-wing deplorables straight-up jumped out of their internet basket and descended with guns and shields and clubs on this quiet town of decent folks. They were very shouty and yet very subtle, saying things like “Heil, Trump” and carrying torches and making Nazi signs to MAKKKE AMERIKKKA GREAT AGAIN.
And then a Neo Nazi killed an innocent woman named Heather Heyer, and wounded several other people.
Does the thought of a young woman (who will never get to be married/have kids/advance her career) being killed for no reason make you want to cry? It makes me want to cry (OK, I did actually cry), but if you are our Sen. Joe “Gerrymandered” Hune, these are just liberal tears to fill his dumb mug. I’m sure if it was his daughter he would feel differently, but that is not the kind of sympathy we should expect from a term-limited politician who thinks acting like a teenage Reddit edgelord to his constituents is a way to govern.
And of course, in the moment we all looked to President Trump to condemn Nazis and the KKK but he was all “lemme think about it and get back to you two days from now” and after the dust settled the final message was: Nazis and the KKK are bad, but people who fight the Nazis and the KKK are also bad….meh, statues!” And everyone was very confused because so many of us had grandparents and great grandparents and parents we loved who fought Nazis (your esteemed correspondent included), and some of those men and women even died fighting Nazis, and we are all pretty damned sure they were doing the right thing. And those Nazis weren’t even on OUR soil, unlike these Nazis, who LITERALLY KILLED SOMEONE IN HER OWN TOWN FOR STANDING UP FOR HER BELIEFS.
And suddenly, at least to this correspondent, it became very clear that bottomless mimosas and Farmer’s Markets alone ain’t gonna cut it in this town, my people of action — because — instead of joining the collective sense of putrid disgust following this series of events, and, maybe — I don’t know post-poning this pre-planned numbskull assembly (or better yet, cancelling it altogether to at least make it look like they gave a shit) these local Trumpeteers took a look at all that was completely effed in our society at that present moment and said NAH, HOLD MAH BEER, LET’S DO THIS!
That is how f*cking stupid and gross and tone deaf they are!
Ok. Pardon my Francais…after all, not everyone can be as clean and smooth and godly as state rep candidate Matt “Keep Michigan Red” Maddock — who loves God (did we mention that already), party tribalism and …OK, OK, maybe the Constitution, too (in that order!). As the good book says in Ecclesiastes 3, there’s a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to have a Trump Rally. This is all very Biblical. Maddock lead the prayer to Republican Jesus and asked him to slay the #FAKENEWS and then he praised the baby Trump who came to us with tiny hands in a gilded manger many years ago to start the “conservative revolution” … or something. Who can really make sense of these idiots? Because the Lord is OK with unsolicited pussy-grabbing/sexual assault and tardy, weak-kneed defenses of fascism and white supremacy once you make it to the White House. It’s called God’s Very Own Supreme Court Nominee Loophole. Check and mate, snowflake!
Other stars in the Trump rally lineup included that sweet, squishy potato Joe Hune. Ah, we will miss you! Hune was basically saying all sorts of crazy stuff that really gets em goin’ once the beer is flowin,’ like “”We’ve been pillaged — We’ve been threatened. We’ve been hammered. We do it because it’s right for our country.”
Yep, someone’s been hammered alright: LOL, GO HOME, JOE, YR DRUNK. Also look up ‘pillaged’ in the dictionary and get back to us. Besides how do we libs find any time to pillage when we are so busy filling up your tear mug? Are we crying or violently pillaging? I would write Hune a letter to ask him to clarify this but if I want to look at dumb memes I have a google account of my own, kthxbai.
Anyway Hune like I said is term-limited and therefore doesn’t matter. Who does matter is Lena Epstein who is running against Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D) and who thinks her opponent is a #DebbieDowner (clever!) on Twitter because she wants to give healthcare to people who are 55 and older but can’t afford it. Lena is a such an optimist — it’s very inspiring! I mean, if getting cancer at age 55 and not being able to afford treatment isn’t a downer, one wonders what exactly qualifies as a rock bottom FUBAR situation for this woman? Chin up, buttercup! Amirite, Lena? Turn that frown you just got from second mortgaging your house to pay your medical bills upside down! Don’t be a #DebbieDowner! PS – Thoughts and prayers!
We would love to say more about Lena, like how she is sad that people think she’s racist now because her computer was hacked and not at all because she posed the day before that with Michigan’s own very creepy and racist Uncle Ted Nugent?? And don’t you know she’s Jewish?? I guess there is no such thing as non-liberal tears! But perhaps that is a post for another day.
If you are curious about Trump Rallies, there will be more, I’m sure, if you missed this one. You can go to one that is giving out free artery-clogging food while at the same time talking to you about taking your healthcare away, or you can go to one where they are doing Nazi salutes with a Nazi America Flag or flying Confederate flags while Taking Their Country Back — yep there’s no end to the variety of Trump Rally you can attend as we MAGA our way with help from the KKK!
We would love to say that, unlike conservative politicians elsewhere who condemn this sort of garbage, our state and local conservative parties are disgusted, too, and would “have our backs” if something like a fascist incursion happened here in one of our towns. But sadly this normally vocal bunch can’t seem to find the words.