If Vagina Rallies be wrong, I don’t wanna be right: My evening at the state Capitol
Slideshow photos by Candy Jones Guerin
The vast, liberul media conspiracy to put on a big Vagina Show on the steps of the Capitol last night was a rousing success as thousands of people showed up to show their support for V-Day in wake of the passage of a series of restrictive abortion bills by the Michigan House of Representatives. The measures, designed to limit access to abortion clinics statewide, have been called among the most extreme anti-choice laws passed in the nation, and their overwhelming approval by House Republicans followed the unprecedented sanctioning of two female lawmakers who tried to debate the bills on the house floor. Tsk Tsk!
I was in that crowd yesterday evening, and my own vagina simply will not shut-up about how awesome it is now all thanks to Eve Ensler, that Earth Mother Goddess of People Who Love Abortion So Much They Want to Gay Marry It and creator of the Holy Tome of Feminazis, The Vagina Monologues. Ensler was the headliner in this Vagina Rights Show; she came all the way out from California, making time in her busy schedule of world female domination to tell Republicans how much they sucked basically.
Now I am certainly no Tucker Carlson when it comes to conservative political analysis (although I’m way cuter in a bowtie), but I will say this after being flanked on all sides by 3,000 mad-as-hell vaginas stone cold parked out on the state capitol lawn yesterday evening:
It is ever so slightly possible, based on the vibe of this rally, that this bold new Michigan GOP electoral strategy designed to woo crucial women swing voters by censoring other women for being so hysterical and temper tantrum-y all the time — while simultaneously whining about the “offensive” lack of decorum that apparently now exists within the biological nomenclature of the lady parts they love to legislate and/or sex so much (i.e. “VAGINAS”) — might not be the most effective way to go about getting votes.
Then again, as a vagina owning person, this could just be perhaps yet another hysterical reaction, and most women actually really do like being told to sit down and take your Midol and, oh by the way, just shutup already and let teh menz hash this issue of your bodily autonomy out for you before you hurt yourself. I’m sure there is a rally planned for that somewhere — we just haven’t heard of it yet. We shall have to see how it all plays out in November. By then, Republicans will just hope that moderate vaginas will have forgotten these and other transgressions and will instead just vote based on which candidate is most jonesin’ to have small children forced to say the pledge of allegiance. Because that’s about all they got.
As for the show itself? Well, conservatives have repeatedly reminded us that vaginas and their associated parts really have nothing to do with women’s health until the point where a baby head is poking out of there somewhere – ergo, this show was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of political discourse. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying it! It was all “cooter” this and “coochie” that, with the occasional “kitty kat,” ”muff,” or “pu-NAH-nay” tossed in. I took notes on this one monologue about a khaki-pants-and-plain-cheese-sandwich sort of a guy named Bob who surprisingly really knows his way around a vagina, and reminded myself that I have to get Bob’s last name and maybe a phone number from Eve sometime. Then there was this segment from one of the monologues that one of the ladies on the steps read aloud:
“The vagina is supposed to be loose and wide, not held together. That’s why girdles are so bad. We need to move and spread and talk. Vaginas need to talk. Why don’t they make something comfortable? Something to give them pleasure? Of course they won’t do that. They hate, hate, hate, hate, hate to see a woman having pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure.”
Whoa! Now you just hold on there one second, Eve Ensler. A talking vagina?! For reals? House conservatives can’t even handle a woman talking, let alone her talking vagina straight up saying things. And we wonder why they don’t attend our lady functions.
It goes on:
“I say, make a nice pair of white cotton underpants with a french tickler built in. That’s right, that’s right. Women would be coming all day. Coming in supermarkets. ‘Give me the juice.’ They wouldn’t be able to stand it. Seeing all these energized, not-taking-shit, hot, happy vaginas coming down the street.”
Job creators, get on this underpants with the french tickler idea. These are about some of the best proposals we have heard for growing the economy and creating jobs in Michigan that have yet to come (haha) forth from the Capitol building in decades. This is a platform I can get behind: Cotton tickle underpants and coming in the juice aisle for every woman! We should have Eve Ensler over more often to share her ideas.